This Is What The Maintenance Phase of Stage 4 Cancer Looks Like

FYI – It’s ALOT of work.

View from a recent walk along the river trail

I’ve been home from the Camino for about three weeks now, longer than I was away on the walk, but time did that sneaky thing again, and months of life seemed to happen in 18 days. Time distorts when you step away from your normal routine. It extends your life. And I find that returning from travel helps me find comfort in my daily habits and favorite things – like the hot mug of green tea I bring into the office for my morning writing sesh while snuggling into the blanket that has a little foot pocket to warm my feet. Going away helps reorder life when you get home.

Just what have I been up to these past three weeks, other than rearranging everything to live the life of a writer? Well, doctors’ appointments, of course. It takes a lot of work to monitor and heal from this incurable disease. Note: many of the people I’ve known who have passed from cancer did so within a year of their initial diagnosis. I’m almost at month 10…and continue to feel I will be in the minority.

So, in the spirit of oversharing…here are all the details. Since getting home, I’ve had:

  1. An appointment to replace my metal nose ring with a glass one, so it wouldn’t interfere with my brain MRI the next day
    • Metal rings in noses are an issue for MRI machines. Did you hear about the guy who died when his large metal necklace dragged him into an MRI room? Kirk can’t have an MRI because he’s been a metal worker for so long that a small piece might be embedded in his body, and could get ripped out when he approaches the big magnet. Yikes! Anyway, I ordered a nose ring that will be easier to remove for future scans because the one I have now is a full circle of metal with a ball on one end. To remove it, I need to twist it open enough to pop one end of the post from the ball and then pull the ring apart to make an opening big enough to twist it through my nostril. That hurts. And I couldn’t get the loop closed when putting it back in after the MRI because my fingernails are now breaking, and even a slight bump will cause fractures and splits. I understand this is because they have finally grown out to reveal the effect chemo left on my body nine months ago. Also, Tegresso, my daily cancer med, can cause weak nails as one of the side effects. 
  2. A brain MRI
    • A motorized tray slid me into a circle of magnets the day after I got home. Usually, I see test results the same day in My Chart, and when I get them, I am often tempted to type words or phrases that I don’t understand into a search engine (as you already know from this section: Interpreting a My-Chart test result in the middle of the night with no doctor supervision). But when I finally did get the results, there wasn’t anything to worry about because the tumors are still shrinking. THE TUMORS ARE STILL SHRINKING!!!
  3. Labs
    • The day before every appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Tiffany, I have labs drawn. My neutrophils absolute and hemoglobin are monitored, and we have a sharp eye on my platelet levels. Another of Tegresso’s side effects is low white blood cell and platelet counts. That means I’m more susceptible to infections. This time, most of my numbers were similar to previous labs, but my liver enzymes were up, which I attribute to all the wine I drank in Spain. No one is worried, though. I brought up the results with several of my doctors, and all thought the health benefits of drinking wine in Spain while I walked 170 miles outweighed the negatives; plus the numbers are still on the low side of high. So these results have been placed in the “don’t worry” column of “bad things that might happen.”
  4. A trip to the gynecologist
    • Since my body got nuked with chemo and radiation at the start of the year, I haven’t had a period, and was quite perimenopausal before (think hot flashes and brain fog). I had my hormone levels tested a few months back, and found numbers hovering around non-existent. My doc prescribed progesterone and estrogen (both in a patch and cream form), and the change was dramatic. No more hot flashes, a clearer brain, softer skin, and as I described it one day on the Camino, it felt like my body was waking up, that I was coming alive again. 
  5. My first Zometa infusion
    • Since I had so many tumors along my vertebrae from neck to pelvis and femur, I am at risk for fractures. The swiss cheese effect of the hungry cancer put me in a wheelchair until radiation could harden some of the bones that would keep me walking, particularly in my pelvis. But good news: the bone is slowly growing back now. The bad news: combined with the osteoporosis risk of menopause, I still have a fracture risk. Fortunately, the hormones that work for hot flashes also work to strengthen bones. 
    • Now Zometa is a bisphosphonate medicine that alters bone formation and breakdown in the body. This can slow bone loss and may help prevent fractures. Since my chemo port was removed in August, I’ll get my infusion the old-fashioned way – needles and tubes in my arm. Every three months I will head up to the transfusion room at St. Charles Hospital to get a vein poked while looking at the Cascade Mountains. Back in the day when I worked at the art magazine in town, I made one of the first tours of this facility when it opened…it was state-of-the-art, and hosted works of many local artists. I never imagined I’d be back a decade later to sit in one of those chairs.
    • Dental clearance prior to taking Zometa is needed as one of the nasty side effects could be bone loss in the jaw, and those of us who have been treated with chemotherapy, radiation, or steroids might be more likely to develop it. I got the dental clearance a few months ago, and I’ll be flossing regularly, thank you very much!
  6. A massage
    • My neck continues to struggle holding my head in the right position. I especially feel it on walks and at the end of the day. I expect my muscles tightened when I got home and sat down more than I moved, so when the massage therapist found a lot of knots under my shoulder blades, I was grateful for the release. 
  7. An appointment with my naturopathic oncologist
    • During my check-in with Dr. Neubauer, we discussed ramping up the dosage in my mistletoe injections…the goal is to have a 1” rash at the injection site most of the time. And if you don’t remember from one of my previous posts, mistletoe has a host of beneficial effects, like helping the immune system recognize and destroy the cancer by activating tumor-killing cells such as macrophages, dendritic cells and natural killer cells.
    • One of Dr. Newbaurer’s suggestions this time was to increase to my calcium citrate each day. More calcium will offset a loss when the Zometa draws the mineral from my blood to deposit it in my bones. 
    • And now that my body is in a stable state, she wanted me to get another set of labs to measure the levels of copper and zinc in my blood. An imbalance can cause tumor growth. 
  8. More labs to measure copper and zinc
    • Results pending.
  9. A visit to my palliative care doctor
    • Dr. Blechman is wonderful. This woman was the first doctor I could get an appointment with after returning from Louisiana and my emergency surgery after diagnosis. She immediately saw the urgency in getting me in to see an oncologist, so much so that she walked down the hall, had a few words, and I was talking with Dr. Schmit a short while later…chemo started the next day. Dr. Blechman has my back; they both did. One of the first things she shared with me when we met last week was that she, too, went on a Camino-style hike in Italy this summer. Complete with hotels and cafes and luggage transport… and she thought of me and my Camino. I expressed my gratitude to her, and we shared a few tears of joy. My pain is very manageable right now, and I’m at such a steady place that we agreed our appointments from now on would be TBD. Magic.
  10. A trip to see my oncologist
    • I had a smooth transition from Dr. Schmidt’s care to Dr. Tiffany this summer when the cancer wing at Summit Health closed down, and Dr. Tiffany has been nothing but supportive of my recent activities. At the appointment, we reviewed my labs and brain MRI, talked about Zometa, and covered a few various other small issues I’ve been having. All signs point to stability, so I am moving from monthly labs to an every three month schedule along with my scans. Winning!
  11. A physical therapy appointment
    • Melissa Carlton is supportive and gentle. She works on my shoulders, back, and legs – stretching, assessing, and determining how to best address my current aches and pains. Right now, that looks like a sore and tight lower back. Melissa reminded me that I had weeks of daily radiation pointed at that part of my body, so the stiffening is not surprising, and wearing a lumbar pack for two and a half weeks probably helped set it off. The discomfort is bearable, but it also feels like a spring that’s loaded and ready to pop, so the strategy is to strengthen my core, use topical creams like magnesium at night to soothe it, and add in hot epsom salt baths and heating pads during the day. Melissa also wants me to try wearing a light backpack to see if a little weight on my shoulders might help both my posture and my lower back. Lets do it!
  12. An acupuncture appointment
    • The lower back work continued with my acupuncturist, Kym Garrett. Again, a knowledgeable, compassionate, and supportive practitioner that I’ve been seeing since early this year. This time, Kym used her needles to help ease my lower back and shoulder tightness and suggested other methods of anti-inflammation. I know I need to eat less inflammatory foods… I’ve slowly slipped sugar and refined flours back into my diet lately (mostly in the form of pastries and breads), so I want to cut back. I’m still taking so many pills that I don’t want to add another unless absolutely necessary (see below). Ahhh, I still remember the days when I didn’t take any. Most of my life, I’ve never needed to take any medication, so this new reality is still an adjustment. My daily pillbox now carries 17 gelcaps and tablets that I take spread out between morning, noon, and night. Yikes.
  13. A neurosurgery appointment
    • I’ve been seeing Dr. Tien for follow-ups on my neck surgery, and because it can take such a long time to heal (and I still have a collapsed vertebrae) he wants to continue to see me every three months or so. Usually, I have an x-ray done so he can see how the screws and mesh are doing in my neck, but since I had the brain MRI recently, he was able to reference that and didn’t have any concerns, in fact he was quite impressed with how my body is healing. Good job neck 🙌

So what medications am I taking in this maintenance phase? Things keep changing as my body is changing, so this list of drugs is a snapshot in time. 

  • I’m taking 17 pills a day, and then there are also shots, powders, and creams.
    • Mistletoe
      • According to the National Cancer Institute, mistletoe is one of the most widely studied complementary and alternative medicine therapies for cancer. In certain European countries, extracts made from mistletoe are among the most prescribed therapies for cancer patients. (This is a Dr. Newbauer-prescribed medication)
      • I give myself an injection of mistletoe on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and I’ve been slowly ratcheting up the dose so I get an immune system reaction of a 1” rash at the injection site. So far, I have no other side effects other than the lack of active tumors. 
    • Estrogen
      • One of my hormone vectors is an estradiol patch that I replace twice a week. I place these small, clear disks of sticky below the belt, alternating between my left side and the right.
      • The other estrogen product is a cream that I use nightly on my lady parts.
    • Magnesium
      • I apply a magnesium cream on my lower back every other evening before bed to help it relax during the night.
    • Astragulus
      • I take powdered astragulus mixed in water every day. This tonic helps my bone marrow, blood counts, kidney support, and has shown increased survival in clinical trials. (A Dr. Neubauer medication)
    • Mushroom powders
      • I put a powdered turkey tail and reishi mushroom mix into my coffee in the mornings (Note: only one cup of coffee most days). Turkey Tail mushrooms are known for their high levels of beta-glucans—compounds studied for their ability to help maintain a healthy immune system, and the benefits of reishi mushrooms are listed as: supports immune health and resilience, supports mood and emotional well-being, promotes restful sleep and relaxation, supports energy, vitality, and healthy aging, helps maintain general wellness and resilience to stress, promotes cardiovascular and circulatory health and helps maintain healthy blood sugar metabolism. Of course, these benefits are from a label, but these mushrooms are Dr. Neubauer-approved. Note: next time she wants me to buy the 5 Defenders brand due to its 100% hot water-extracted process. The hot water method ensures that the powder contains more than 20% beta-glucans, which are known for their immune-supporting properties, and it unlocks the full spectrum of beneficial compounds.
    • Nail polish
      • To help harden my nails from the chemo and cancer med side-effects, I’m now using a clear strengthening polish. 
    • Now for the pills:
      • Keppra
        • Since I had a few seizures earlier this year, I’ve been put on this anti-epileptic drug. I have been thinking of coming off of it, and when I do so, I’ll need to avoid driving for three months because the lack of keppra can also cause seizures (ironic!). But I still have a couple of tumors around my brain – they are shrinking, so I’m not sure if/when I’ll start the tapering process. After meeting with Dr. Tien he said it was too early to stop taking the drug, and I’d need to be referred to a neurologist for further consultation.
      • Calcium citrate
        • As explained before, I increased my calcium intake recently from 600mg to 1200 due to my Zometa infusions. Calcium can help maintain bone density and prevent osteoporosis, and it also plays a role in muscle function, blood vessel contraction, blood clotting, nerve transmission, and hormone secretion.
      • Vitamin D3
        • In experimental studies of cancer cells and of tumors in rodents, vitamin D has been found to have several biological activities that might slow or prevent the development of cancer, including promoting cellular differentiation, decreasing cancer cell growth, stimulating cell death, reducing tumor blood vessel formation, and decreasing tumor progression and metastasis. Vitamin D was also found to suppress a type of immune cell that normally prevents the immune system from responding strongly to cancer (source). 
      • Peak K2
        • I take this with every meal, as it is shown to support the activation of bone-building cells, is involved in calcium distribution to bone, and promotes normal blood clotting and vascular health. (A Dr. Neubauer medication)
      • Tegresso
        • This is my daily cancer med that I’ll take for the rest of my life (or as long as it works). It is used to treat adults with non-small cell lung cancer whose tumors have a certain abnormal epidermal growth factor receptor – that’s my mutation of EGFR19. It is used to help prevent my lung cancer from coming back, especially metastatic cancer…meaning it has spread far and wide across my body. Some people become immune to Tegresso after a few months or a few years, while others have stayed on it for a decade. We’ll see how long it lasts for me. Tagrisso works by targeting the EGFR receptor, specifically the T790M mutation that blocks the signaling of EGFR, which suppresses cell growth and induces programmed cell death in cancer cells with these specific mutations. Tagrisso is considered a targeted treatment and is not chemotherapy, but it works well with chemotherapy, like the rounds of pemetrexed and carboplatin that I had earlier this year.
      • Boswellia
        • Boswellia serrata has been used in traditional medicine for centuries, particularly in Ayurvedic practices. Its active compounds, particularly boswellic acids, are believed to contribute to its therapeutic effects, including anti-inflammatory and anticancer properties. (A Dr. Neubauer medication)
      • Magnesium glycinate
        • Magnesium glycinate is formed by combining elemental magnesium with the amino acid glycine. This form of magnesium is highly bioavailable, meaning the magnesium is easily absorbed through your small intestine. It can promote bone health, help regulate blood sugar, help maintain regular heart rhythms, amplify exercise performance, and reduce pain.
      • Progesterone
        • Without enough progesterone, as often happens in perimenopause, women start experiencing symptoms like irritability, anxiety, poor sleep, and fatigue, so progesterone helps to improve those symptoms, and it supports bone and heart health too. 
      • Meletonin
        • While melatonin is best-known as a sleep aid, it also regulates the immune system and tissue repair and has cancer-related benefits like increasing survival rates, improving the likelihood of responding to chemotherapy, activating the “self-destruct” process in tumor cells, and blocking the ability of cancer cells to grow new blood vessels and to spread to other tissues. (A Dr. Neubauer medication)
      • Senna
        • Because of all of the above, I can have trouble with my bowels. Senna is an herb, scientifically known as Senna alexandrina, commonly used as a laxative to treat constipation and works by stimulating bowel movements. I’ve been taking this since my diagnosis, but Dr. Neubauer warned that prolonged use can cause gi parastalisis, meaning paralysis of the stomach. It’s a functional disorder affecting your stomach nerves and muscles which can lead to making your stomach muscle contractions weaker and slower than they need to be to digest food and pass it on to your intestines. So, I’m starting to wean myself off Senna, and instead take more:
      • MiraLax
        • I have been taking more MiraLAX powder (mixed in water), which increases the amount of water in the intestinal tract to stimulate bowel movements.

It seems that all I’m doing to keep the cancer from regrowing is working, but it’s not just through the doctors’ appointments and medications mentioned above, either. I attribute my growing health to these factors as well:

  • Walks
    • I take walks, almost every day if I can. Living so close to the Deschutes River means I never have to get in the car, and I make a loop on the river trail most days. Sure, I could walk one of the hundreds of trails we have on public land around Central Oregon, but again, that would mean getting in the car. Why do that when I have a wonderful walk along the river right out my front door? Now that snow has started to fall in the mountains, I get occasional glimpses of that lovely skyline from the river trail, too. Of course, sometimes I head out before sunrise to meet the day on its way up. That reminds me: winter is coming, and with that, my hopes to ski this year. I won’t go downhill yet because of my heightened fracture risk, but I can’t wait to cross-country ski and glide through the silent woods in the sparkling snow. 
  • Yoga
    • I’ve been going to yoga again over the past few months; the 6am classes are my favorite. The room is never full that early in the morning, and it is heated to a balmy 90 degrees where the muscles practically melt with our gentle movements. I don’t do every pose…I have to modify many of them for my stiff back and compromised neck, but I have been able to loosen up some of my joints…I had to take almost a year off from my practice since getting sick, and fortunately there is a noticeable improvement in my balance and flexibility just over the few months I’ve been back.
    • I’ve been going to the same studio for 15 years now, and wouldn’t you know it, Pam, my cancer mentor, was my first yoga teacher there. I love my 6am yoga, the teachers, and the familiar faces I see week after week. The best part about Namaspa is that it’s within walking distance from home, so again, I don’t have to get in a car. Are you noticing a theme here? In fact, I didn’t own my first car until I moved to Bend at age 32. I love a walkable/bikeable community.
  • Daily stretching
    • My at-home physical therapy exercises have been a light lift so far. Much of what I was doing was aimed at opening up my shoulders, helping my neck find the right alignment, and working my upper body, like bicep curls with one-pound weights. Now I have a series focused on my lower back, and I’m motivated to do them every day with the promise of more strength and less pain. I know I’ll need both to ski this winter, so I do my exercises.
  • Food
    • Many of the changes I’ve made in my life this year revolve around food. I’ve always eaten fairly healthy, but now I pay much more attention to my nutrition with the help of Dr. Neubauer’s suggestions. I’m not eating vegan or vegetarian right now, but I still limit my dairy intake and avoid red and processed meats. Every day (or every other day) I try to have some:
      • Ground flax
      • Chia
      • Hemp seeds
      • Fruit (berries especially)
      • Avocado
      • Nutritional yeast
      • Green tea
      • Ginger
      • Broccoli
      • Broccoli sprouts
      • Nuts
      • And protein with every meal
        • I could go into the specific health benefits of all the above, but this blog post is already becoming novel-length, so I’ll let you do your own research there.
  • Sleep
    • Since finishing the steroids I was on at the beginning of year I haven’t had any more problems with sleeping through the night. What a relief! This body needs all of those hours to work it’s internal healing magic. I’m sure the sleep is helped by the 10mg of melatonin I’m taking every night too.
  • Community
    • Taking part in community activities, surrounding myself with friends, and laughing have all been extremely important to me this year. A few things that have brought joy lately include:
      • Attending BendFilm
        • One of my dear friends, Adryon, is on the board of the BendFilm festival which takes place in October each year. Adryon and her wife Brooke always attend the festival, and this year and I got the double pleasure of watching a few films and catching up with them this past weekend. Even better? Adryon’s brother Aaron is a filmmaker, and has promised to help me should I want to think about writing screenplays at some point. Aaron and his wife Katrina had a little girl, Jules, about a year ago and I was able to catch up with both of them at BendFilm. 
      • Volunteering with Central Oregon Land Watch
        • Many of the people I used to work with at the Oregon Natural Desert Association now work at Central Oregon Land Watch, including Ben Gordon, who hired me for the Oregon Desert Trail job ten years ago (Ben and his wife Serena hiked the PCT in 2006 too, but we never met on the trail!). My friend Lorainne, who is their Development Director, asked if I wanted to volunteer at an aid station halfway on one of COLW’s fun runs this week, so I joined her in the gorgeous fall sunshine to distribute water, bananas, and banana bread to the runners. Friends, the conservation community, and sunshine? Sign me up! If you are local, check out the wonderful lineup of events they have coming up this fall. The Livable Future Forum will be hosting Chuck Sams, the first Indigenous National Park Service Director and Cayuse and Walla Walla tribal citizen next month. In November I’ll be attending a talk by longtime High Country News contributing editor Michelle Nijhuis who will share insights into essential environmental reading. I’ll miss the Chuck Sams talk, but he is our keynote speaker at next month’s Oregon Outdoor Recreation Summit in Pendleton (on his homelands).
      • A sauna sesh
        • One of my besties, Carrie, has access to a sauna and I’m going to partake with her this week. There are a long list of health benefits to the sauna, and I’m excited to overheat and catch up with her. Carrie and I have weekly hang-outs, and her friendship has been an amazing gift to me this year. Friends are essential to the healing process.
      • More cards and emails from you
        • Thank you!!! The love keeps coming and I can’t say thank you enough 💖💖
      • Mutual aid
        • I don’t have much, but when people who have less and are suffering from environmental injustices and their entire communities are lost to floods, like what is happening in Alaska right now, I try to donate something. You can help too by contributing to the Alaska Community Foundation.
      • Taking action on behalf of my community, the environment, and the country.
        • Taking action is a form of healing. Doing anything beyond paying attention to what is right in front of my face has been leading to spiraling despair lately, especially as the dystopian nightmare is getting closer and closer to home. So, I’m getting active. I got out my paints in preparation to participate in democracy this weekend. I hope to see some of you out there! 

Again, I’m so grateful to be healthy(ish) 10 months out from diagnosis, but the reality is, two more of my classmates from the Dunlap High School class of 1995 died this year of cancer. My best bud Missy, died 2 years ago from the same exact cancer that I have, so far I know two of us from that class that have survived…but there are so many people I don’t know about. Most people aren’t public about their health problems. Does anyone know of a study going on in Central Illinois about the massive number of cancer cases happening in young people? Other than those already listed, Missy lost her first husband to cancer, another friend’s husband died of cancer, another friend’s sister and brother-in-law died of cancer… all were younger than I am now. Was it the spraying of alfalfa and corn fields? Was it radon in the ground? Was it air pollution? Anyone? I know, I know, we’ll never know for sure because the poison is coming from all around us all the time. It’s everywere. Even newborn babies have microplastics in their bodies

A woman I’ve been following for some time now just announced her recent cancer diagnosis. Jen Gurecki has stage 2 breast cancer and has been a hard charger in the outdoor industry for years. I’ve purchased several things from the ski and snowboard company she started, Coalition Snow, and even bought a basket from Zawadisha, a Kenyan-based social enterprise she started whose mission is to provide small loans to rural Kenyan women to help finance their livelihoods. She is sharing her cancer journey over on her blog Redefining Radical. You can also donate to her Go Fund Me here.

Thank you for reading to the end, you rock!


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Camino prep prep

Carrie and I got out of town last weekend.

Did some real pretty walking.

I’ve had some learning moments during my Camino planning. 

First, I had intended to wait to book most of my lodging until I got there and discovered how my body was doing, but the scarcity mindset set in, and I became worried that most bookable options would be booked, especially since I’m using a luggage transfer service. So I went ahead and planned out the whole 170 miles and choose mostly hostels (or albergues) with a few hotels here and there so I would be assured a good night’s sleep and some quiet on occasion. But 170 miles in two and half weeks means I’m going to be walking some long days. Can I do it? 

Then I went to book the luggage transport service to each spot, figuring the more I did from home, the less I would have to do there when I am faced with my body and the miles, so I looked at three different services: Caminofacil, Tuitrans, and Pilbeo. Many of the places I had booked didn’t show up on their ready made list of delivery spots! Arrrg. One service said I should change my plans to places that did show up on their list, but another said I could contact the lodging, get some info, and pass it back to them, and they would make it happen. So I went with those guys. I went with the flexible peeps who would have my back. And as I worked through the list yesterday, I discovered a lot of my lodging WAS on their list….their list being a hodge podge of addresses and names that sometimes didn’t match the exact title of the hostel, thus the confusion. Whew. It was more work than I had planned, but good to note if you plan to hike the Camino in the future and use luggage transport. Start your booking process with the transportation folks and book from their list.

In other news, I got my chemo port removed this week! Woot! If you haven’t seen a chemo port before, picture a quarter-sized, no, maybe a bit larger… a half-dollar-sized round disk that’s about a quarter inch thick implanted beneath your skin between your collar bone and your breast. It can be on the left or right side; mine was on the right, closer to the lung tumor. It has three raised bumps on the surface, so the skin tightens around it and looks a bit alien. A tube comes off it and is threaded through a vein in your neck so that sometimes people will say, “What’s that in your neck?” When it’s time for chemo, I lather the thing up with lidocaine cream and put a bandage on it before going to the hospital. The lidocaine will numb the skin, and the nurses use a special needle to puncture the skin and port….the three dots guiding them in like the lights on a runway. The tubing is taped to the skin for the multiple courses of drugs that will be injected directly into your vein that day. It saves your arms from being destroyed by the chemo. My chemo was the kind that only needed to be injected once a month, but others get it daily or weekly. So getting this thing removed is a big step towards living with active cancer in my past.

When talking with the doctors during the removal, they asked how long I had had it in, and how long my treatment was. All of their eyes got wide when I said I got the port in January, the chemo lasted until April, and I reached “no evidence of disease” by July. “Wow!” they said. “That’s fast!” I know, I quipped back. “And I had tumors from head to thigh! 27 just in my brain!” It seems surreal to say it even now. How did I get better so fast? Is my body really that responsive to the chemicals and radiation? To the diet changes, supplements, love, and positivity from all of you? I feel like I’m a Radical Remission example, except to get that moniker, you need to have been in remission for three years. I’ve been in remission for one month. I have a ways to go, but I’m off to a good start!

Lets see, what else does the Portugal prep prep look like?

I walked 9 miles the other day, that’s training!

How about my current iteration of a gear list:

In the roller carry-on
(transported each day)
Neck pillow (for the plane – that red-eye on the way over will be killer)
Inflatable pillow (for the hostels – works well to get proper neck alignment at night)
Silk sleeping bag liner (again…hostel beds)
Feathered Friends 40-degree Flickr Quilt
Stick roller (I’ve carried one of these since my 2022 AT hike after a 6-month bout with planter fasciitis)
Nylon grocery bag (small/packable)
Extra zip-locks of various sizes
Wise Pilgrim “The Camino Portugues” guidebook
First Aid kit
A few magazines (Harpers & Atlantic)
Chacos (some days of walking I’ll want to wear these)
Tech
Travel plug adaptor
Tablet/mouse adaptor
Mouse (for all that writing I’m going to do in the hostels!)
Clothes
Non-hiking clothes (depends on the room left in the suitcase -pants/jeans? t-shirt?)
Few pair of underwear & bra (shout out Bend brand Branwyn!)
2 pairs socks (I’m looking at you ToughCutie)
Merino wool pants (for sleeping & when cold outside)
Toiletries
Shampoo & Conditioner
Small chunk of soap
Bar soap container (small plastic something)
Contact case/solution
Glasses
Toothbrush & paste
Floss
Medications (oh, still so many medications)
Travel towel (probably my pagna from Burkina Faso)
In the Lumbar Pack each day
Passport
Paired down wallet
pen
Notebook
Phone (with Airalo e-SIM)
Wise Pilgrim Camino App
Caltopo App (I made my own map of the route and my nightly stays)
Tablet & keyboard
Small Power Bank for phone
Headlamp (only if I start walking early…you know, there will be sunrise-on-the-beach walks!)
Ear buds
Sunglasses
Chap stick
Sunscreen
Umbrella (in suitcase when not raining)
Waterbottle
1 Liter water bladder (for extra if I need it)
Ziplocks (in case of rain)
Small first aid
Daily medications
Epi pen (I’m allergic to wasps…like anaphylaxis allergic)
Sharpie
Pstyle & Wander Woman Wipe
Clothes to wear each day
Hat (not sure which one yet)
Purple Rain Adventure skirt (I designed the logo!)
Black spandex shorts
Tank top (not sure how hot it will be)
Long-sleeved shirt
Warm Synthetic Jacket
Wind Shirt (in suitcase when not needed)
Raincoat (in suitcase when not raining)
Rainpants (in suitcase when not raining – I usually wear a trash-bag rain skirt, but I figured this was front-country the whole time, I’ll be more civilized!)
Altras (I’ve never really worn them before, but they are light and I don’t need the ruggedness of my usual Oboz)
Orthotics (In case you didn’t know, I’m old)
Socks
Warm hat (in suitcase when not cold)
Mittens (in suitcase when not cold)

So there you have it folks! Next up: more walking.

Life Update 8/21

I returned to PCT Days last weekend….things started going wrong just after PCT Days last year…I’m still chairing the Oregon Trails Coalition, so was helping to spread the Fund Trails message with my friend Matt Ruddy from Trailkeepers of Oregon. Speaking of…we are collecting trail stories from people all across Oregon as part of a campaign to celebrate the many ways trails show up in our lives—and why they deserve ongoing public funding and support. What’s your trail story?

I know I’ll be feeling the echoes of my Dad’s passing for quite a while, and paired with my healing journey, it’s even more of an imperative to get out on the camino to walk out a lot of these emotions. Walking is the way I process the world, walking and writing together are the ultimate…so I’m excited that I have both on the horizon.

Back to the world of cancer stuff, I’m on the maintenance schedule now that includes monthly labs and meetings with my oncologist. I got my labs done this week and it still shows low white blood cell counts and low platelets…these are side effects of my daily cancer med, so it’s to be expected, but it also means that my immune system isn’t as robust in defending my system from infection, but I started a new treatment regimine this week, prescribed by my naturopath oncologist: Mistletoe! 

Yep, it’s the christmas kissing plant, or in my case, an immune cell super-power upgrade. Here is what mistletoe will do for me: 

  • Help my immune system to recognize and destroy tumor cells by activating tumor-killing cells such as macrophages, dendritic cells and natural killer cells. As cancer progresses, cancer cells mask themselves from the immune system by hiding their cell markers. Mistletoe helps to reverse this progress, exposing cancer cells to the immune system.
  • Blocks the ability of cancer cells to build new blood vessels 
  • Repairs DNA of cancer cells, making them less aggressive
  • Damages cancer cells’ cell membranes and structure
  • Promotes immune destruction of cancer cells
  • Blocks production of proteins that promote growth in cancer cells
  • Blocks ability of cancer cells to invade new tissues
  • Anti-inflammatory, modulates pain response

The fun part? Giving myself shots. The treatment comes in self-administered injections several times a week, and since the medication doesn’t have to be refrigerated, it should be all good to take to Europe with me in a few weeks.

So I have this new med, and when I return from Portugal, I’ll start another new med, Zometa, which is an infusion that I’ll get every three months to strengthen my bones. The internet tells me that Zometa is a bisphosphonate medicine that alters bone formation and breakdown in the body. This can slow bone loss and may help prevent bone fractures. So this will help me recover from the swiss cheese effect of the cancer growth on my bones, and it will be doubly useful because I am hovering around menopause, which also can lead to osteoporosis. I’ve been advised to avoid high-impact activities because of my increased fracture risk, and not that I’m going to suddenly start racing motocross or anything, but I’m hopeful this will lessen the risk if I do try things this winter like cross-country skiing. I’m probably still going to avoid downhill skiing for now (sob).

So even though I don’t have any active cancer, I’m still seeing doctors like it’s my job. Maybe this will lessen with time? Maybe? Because I’m on monthly labs and periodic scans and my medication is delivered by timed doses each month, this means I really can’t be away from home for more than a few weeks for the foreseeable future, and when I come off my anti-seizure drug this winter, I won’t be able to drive for three months! It’s hard to see a return to normal; this is a new normal.

Speaking of the new normal, I’ve been having trouble wrapping my head around how to live my life now and how to make decisions now. I am in that in-between place where I don’t know what going forward looks like. In my immediate future, I have Portugal, but after that??? 

I had started accepting that this may be the end, that it may be my last year or so, so I decided to live hard right now and do all the things. But when I got the scan this summer showing me that I didn’t have any active cancer at the moment, suddenly I could see a longer life… a future longer than a year at least, so does that mean I start saving for retirement again? Can I even entertain the possibility of retiring? All the while, I still need to make it to 5 years…and the odds aren’t quite in my favor, but then again, I’ve always excelled at exceeding the odds and have had good luck trusting the world. Do I stop planning and live now? Or plan just the next year and go big?? Or do I plan to be alive in 10 years? 5 years? 3 years? Do I start my business again? But I’ve also always wanted to write a book, so why not give that a shot when I have time (or maybe not)?

I don’t know friends. I guess I’ll start by going on a long walk.

Life Update July 18

Busy living.

I’m officially changing the name of these updates from “Cancer update” to “Life update.” 

Why?

Well, it’s more forward thinking, I’m not giving cancer the spotlight anymore, and because my last scan showed NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE!!!!!

You heard that right, I don’t have any active cancer at the moment!

Lets take a moment to feel it.

This news is almost as sudden of a change as it was to get the diagnosis seven long months ago; I’ve needed a beat to process it all. But at the same time things haven’t changed all that much. I still have the tumors (at least some of them), although now they are masses of dead cells that my body will eventually process and show them the exit.

I still have pain and stiffness. In fact wasn’t expecting to have a clear scan because I still have quite a bit of soreness and ache in my ribs. My neck and shoulders get incredibly sore after a long walk…Kirk and I walked 4.5 miles on a trail the other day and I was locked up for the rest of the afternoon. 

But it’s not cancer. I will now be healing from injuries that were caused by the cancer. 

I don’t have cancer! Right now…

That’s the other sobering thing about a NED “no evidence of disease” result of a PET scan, there is always the chance of recurrence. 🙁 A pretty good chance in fact. So in a way, this is when the real hard work starts! Eat right, exercise, stay positive, and live as hard as I can.

I’ve had a few friends this week send me tidbits from Andrea Gibson, a well-known poet who just passed away from ovarian cancer. Their words are beautiful, and it’s also heartbreaking because they had a recurrence of cancer a year after the original diagnosis. So, I’ve got to pull out all the stops to keep this body’s immune system up so there is no cozy place for the cancer to take root again.

In fact, I learned that the PET scan, while it detects active cancer in the body, can’t detect the smallest tumors under a centimeter. A PET scan uses radioactive sugar to make a map of how much energy the cells and organs of the body are using; the idea being that cancer will use more energy and therefore be picked up on a PET scan. So, 24 hours before my scan, I had to avoid any strenuous activity and abstain from sugar. I fasted six hours before the test, and when I arrived, was injected with the radioactive sugar and napped for 45 minutes while my body absorbed the stuff…all the places the sugar was consumed would show up in the scan.

And none of my tumors ate the sugar which means they aren’t active cancer tumors anymore, just dead cells.

Hooray!

I keep coming back to the fact that I will never be cured from this cancer. There will never be a guarentee that I won’t get it again. If I can make it 5 years my chances of not getting it again will be better, but that’s a LONG TIME! When it spreads the way it did in my body, its tentacles are deep. We we don’t get cured. 

My white blood cells and platlets are also still really low. That can be a side effect from the Tegresso, my targeted cancer med (which I’ll be taking for the rest of my life), so my oncologist will have me take monthly labs to monitor that. Low white blood cells mean I can’t fight infections very well, so I’ve been told to take precautions there. I’ll also need to get scans every 3-4 months, and I’m starting a bone-strengthing IV soon because the numerous lesions on my bones means they are a fracture risk…and I’m almost 50, so osteoporosis is a knocking!

So it’s with mixed feelings that I share this news with you. It’s good, it’s great in fact! But I still have so much to do, and there won’t probably ever be a “return to normal.” It’s going to be finding my new normal…and that changes all the time as I try to get stronger and recover some of the muscle loss. 

I’ll leave you today with this morning dance party I went to recently. It was the first time I had danced in almost a year. It’s definitely time to dance.

Cancer Update June 26

Every day is a gift. 

With so much uncertainty these days – both with my illness, my dad’s illness, and in the world – it seems the most logical thing to do is to focus on each day. What in the day makes it a success? What is there to be grateful for? It’s as if the most cheesy sentiments are my mantras these days…and they keep me going.

I’m halfway across the country right now, down in Lafayette, Louisiana, visiting my parents for a few weeks.

This is the first time in years that my three brothers and I have been with my parents in the same place at the same time; it has been a wonderful visit.

Before I left Bend, I had a barrage of doctors’ appointments, and once again, things are promising! The neck surgeon gave me the best news of all, my neck (a constant source of concern and soreness) is healing well, although I’ll probably have the neck soreness for the rest of my life . But the collapsed C7 vertebrae hasn’t progressed, so I have the go-ahead to start increasing movement. 

I just have to use pain as my guide. 

Easy to say, let pain be your guide… I won’t know it’s too much until the pain comes on, but there is hope in that guidance as well. He said the only things I need to avoid are axial loading activities, like standing on my head, and I can safely say I will be doing no such thing! I’m even starting to consider putting on an empty day pack and slowly adding weight over time. If I can walk with a day pack, the world seems much more doable…and my plans of a Camino journey even more likely.

The best outcome from these doctors’ appointments was the clearance to walk a section of the Camino this fall. More to come on that as I start to put that trip together, but I will be heading to Portugal for a few weeks in September! I’m thrilled at the prospect of stretching my legs along the coastal path, all with a bed to sleep in each night, coffees and cafes along the way, and meeting people from all over the world. Yes, I’ll be going solo, and I’m excited about the prospect of trusting the world in this next journey. I’ll be blogging daily again on that trip, it will be just like old times!

I’ve been sharing my story with a wider audience too. The National Brain Tumor Society asked to feature my writing on their blog, so they put together a wonderful little feature from my blog this year. 

Then I did a podcast interview with Hikertrash Radio about my journey as well:

I’ve done countless podcast interviews in the past, and you can listen to a previous one I did with Hikertrash Radio here:

For even more podcasts check this out.

What else is new? I did my first water aerobics class yesterday, and wow, am I sore! I had to modify my moves in the pool…too much jumping is still quite jarring to my spine…so I slowed my roll as needed with the lovely older ladies that were in class with me. My cousin Amy helped me get a pass to her pool because I quickly found that going for a walk in July in Louisiana was WAY TOO hot and humid for a comfortable jaunt. I either have to get up before the sun or head to the pool for any exercise while I’m down here. 

I have a busy, busy schedule when I get back to Oregon. A ton of doctors’ appointments await me, including a full body PET scan…cross your fingers for me that all my tumors are still getting smaller! Then it’s Kirk’s birthday, a visit from my Aunt Barbara, a Burkina Faso Peace Corps Reunion, a trip to see some friends in Eastern Oregon, PCT Days in Cascade Locks, and maybe even a trip to the Oregon coast. It may be too much, but I like to be optimistic and ambitious, so we’ll see! All the while, I need to ramp up my miles so I have hope of hiking 5-10 miles a day on the Camino in September. 

I’m taking each day as it comes, but also giving myself things to look forward to. And I have so much to look forward to!

Cancer Update June 12

Look at these beautiful people!

The only constant is change.

I grew up listening to this song by the Scorpions, and it still brings a pang of longing and sadness, and is it hope? And I didn’t know the full undercurrents of the song at the time, but its wistful tone certainly resonated with me.

And I have been facing so much change recently, it’s hard to get my bearings. Especially in the month or so since the news of my promising scans…it seems I’m on the verge of seeing a life for myself again, but of course I’ve still been living a life…but you know what I mean. I’ve had to live in the present for the past six months, so much so that looking beyond the next week or few weeks just didn’t seem possible. But all this word salad is to say the only constant is change and I’m grateful that I’ve had such a secure base of loved ones that have provided enough stability that I can weather the winds of change with a bit of grace. It’s like I’m a blade of grass, blowing in the wind. Sometimes the wind is whipping me around, bending me almost to the ground and roughing me up, but you all keep me grounded, set in place, so that the wind can try and rip me up, but it can’t. My roots are too deep.

Woo, can you tell it’s 3am and I’m back in my early morning writing phase? 😄

I’m sure you are all eager to hear about the big birthday party bash…it was fabulous! I think almost 50 people came out to Amber’s place in Corvallis. People brought flowers and snacks, fresh strawberries from nearby farms, and so much joy. It was such a lovely gathering….even though something got to me. It might have been a bad sandwich, or the heat, or some pain I’ve been having in my left shoulder, but I vomited several times on Saturday and it aggravated my throat enough that I lost my voice, and it left me with barely a whisper. Really, it left me mostly listening to everyone around me chatting about adventures past, present, and future. And so much serendipity happened! Dr. Grant, a hiker I had met at the Cascade Ruck last year came, and just happened to be heading down to hike the Bigfoot Trail, and wouldn’t you know it, Fireweed, who is on the Bigfoot Trail board and was planning on giving her a ride to the trail was also up for the party and the two met for the first time. Dr. Grant even got a ride down from the party on Sunday to start hiking the trail. And Anne, Amber’s wife, connected with my good friend Sage when I remembered they were both from the same very small northern Californian town…so small that of course their paths had crossed many years ago when both lived there, yet they were meeting at the party, of all places, years later.

The magic of people, good people, is a big part of what is keeping me going. Such kind and generous people. Sue, a volunteer that I’ve had on a couple of ONDA volunteer trips, came as she lived in Corvallis, and wrote to me later and said “I knew no one, except you, when I showed up. Yet— I knew immediately this is “our community”.  You, your life, your work, brings out the good in people —- just like the mountains, the rivers, the oceans, as we traverse this earthly landscape.” That is just everything. My heart is full.

Sue!

So yes, I was sick and it lingered the next day, but we ate bagels and drank coffee in the shade of Amber and Anne’s giant sequoia tree in her yard, playing “move with the shade” as the morning sun shifted in the hot day. 

Nemo and Pouch (my PCT 2006 besties) won the award for having traveled the farthest…from upstate NY! Just for the weekend!

We called ourselves “Team Primary” in the North Cascades on the PCT because we were in blue, yellow, and red rain jackets half the time.

There were so many people I hadn’t seen in ages who came out. I couldn’t have asked for a better party. I hope to have many, many more. Some suggested it be an annual thing! Who wants to host next time?

And of course, Amber’s Nomadic Pizza was a huge hit. She and our friend Megan sweated for hours slinging pies for us in the hot, hot wood-fired food cart, and it was so delicious. (Amber can cater private events like my party…please book her if you have something coming up!)

The pizza guru, Amber

This week has been one full of doctor’s appointments and hanging with my little brother Dan. He just bought a new car and wanted to stretch its legs and see me too. Dan is in the Air Force based in San Antonio, so he drove three days up, arriving just in time to go out to dinner with Kirk and me on my actual birthday (Monday, June 9….the best day of the year!).

He took me to meet my new oncologist and to wrap up with my old one. He took me to get more labs done and along with another MRI. We took walks along the river and drove up to the mountains for an afternoon, too. It was a chill but wonderful visit. Thanks Dan!

Doing the tourist thing in Bend.

I have more appointments before I head out again to visit my parents next week. All three of my brothers will be down there too, so it will be another busy week. My dad’s Alzheimer’s is progressing, and his time is limited, so I’m glad we are all able to gather together.

So even though my prospects of health continue to improve, I’m still caught living in the moment, paying attention to each day as it comes. The peonies that I got for my birthday are a good reminder of that…each day they open a little more, changing ever so slightly, but changing, so that it’s worth stopping and appreciating them in each slight phase. Sure, I could think ahead to when they are dead and gone, but why do that when they are vibrant and alive and in front of me now? Enjoy them. Enjoy this. Enjoy the moment.

Cancer Update May 17

Camp on the John Day River

I’ve been out in the world for a couple of weeks now, and it’s funny how quickly I can revert my thinking and actions to those of pre-cancer me. Sure, I do feel fragile almost all the time, which tells me my complete lack of pain meds isn’t necessarily the way I want to go. When I do take meds, that’s when the illusion is almost complete. That’s when I don’t feel my neck and spine still adjusting to the titanium plate and additional collapsed vertebrae…at least I think that’s what I’m feeling? I won’t meet with the neck surgeon again for another month. I have questions for the surgeon: can I do yoga? can I put a pack on? I’m guessing from the way things are feeling that no. No, not yet. 

But yes, the farther away I get from my cancer nest (that is my adjustable bed and trusty cart filled with all the medications and books and diversions that I’ve been relying on these past five months), the more normal I feel. Friends and family tell me I look great. I’m up and about and going on raft trips and flying, but then I get tired walking up a hill and get dizzy when I stand up too fast. The illusion is thin.

I know I’m heading in the right direction though!

Five days of rafting on the John Day River was blissful. It was much colder that I expected, so I was almost always covered up. Immersing myself in the watery wisdom of Oregon’s longest undammed river was very soothing, even though I was quite limited in my time off the raft.

I returned from the river trip quite sore and worried that I had overdone it. The cot and thick paco pad I slept on helped me feel better during the trip, but I was still quite exposed to movements and actions that I hadn’t experienced in months. 

Just look at that basalt!

Captin Kirk on the oars

And then I’ve had to rearrange a lot of things so I could spend some time with family. Time that has been overdue for many reasons. I’m not going into much of the family dynamics now, but needless to say, I’m not the only one who has been going through a hard time this year. 

Today the rain is raining, the yard is bursting with the change of seasons, and I’m packing for yet another trip, this time a getaway with just Kirk. We didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary this February because, well, cancer, and the four months he took off of work to help me out were also work. We’ve both been through the ringer this year, and it’s time to relax and celebrate a little bit.

Oh yeah, the celebrating. I do feel like I’ve been celebrating since my last appointment where I got the good news that my cancer is retreating. I even had a small piece of cake this past week…I’ve been avoiding sugar like the plague for most of the year as it’s a wonderful food for those mutanous cancer cells to feast on, but I just wanted a little taste. I do want to rein things in after vacation (with an exception for my birthday party of course!) and trend back towards more of a vegan than vegetarian diet again and more towards whole foods than easy to grab snacks, but I’m also not beating myself up for the little treats I’ve had and will have for the next few weeks. I’m still in celebration mode!

So I’ll check in again in June. I have a whole slew of doctors appointments coming up then: palliative care, old oncologist, new oncologist, naturopath oncologist, radiation oncologist, lab work, MRI, spine surgeon, acupuncture, physical therapy, and a gynocological appointment (I’m STILL going through perimenopause through all this…hello hot flashes! They have been constant the past few months). 

Before I sign off today, I have a question for you. Some thoughts about trails have been percolating in my mind…things I want to look for and focus on in the near future….and maybe some of you can help. Does the US have any hut-to-hut or camino-type hikes? I ordered a hut-to-hut book for the States, but half the options are ski traverses, and most of the others are still carry-your-own-gear type of trips. If I can’t carry a pack for a while, where are my luggage transfer services? And if I can’t find these types of hikes, I should probably get busy putting some together. I bet some of the pieces are there, and it just might take a motivated hiker to put them together. 🙂

Cancer Update April 30

Joy on the Oregon Desert Trail

When I was growing up, I believed the world was magical and filled with wonder and surprise. A childhood spent in nature only confirmed it. And then there were the movies and books I read. I already mentioned the all powerful Wizard of Oz, but this past week I’ve been going down the rabbit hole of all the childhood delights: Alice in Wonderland, The Neverending Story, The Last Unicorn, Mary Poppins, The Princess Bride, and most of them hold up. Screen time back in the day wasn’t like it is now. I would watch these once a year, or once we got a VCR, maybe monthly, because most of my time was spent outside…my mom would push me and my three brothers outside, and I am so grateful for that now.

Do I still believe in magic and majestic adventures?? I will admit that the wind has been taken out of my sails these past eight months (eight months of sickness so far!!!), but the magic has shown up in many of my relationships with you, and I find I’m so rich in amazing people in my life. 

And now that things are about to change, I can dive back into the wonder and awe that nature brings into my life. My hiking will be different now, but I know it will continue to bring complete strangers into my life and that they will quickly become great friends. And it doesn’t even have to be a thru-hike. I had an incredibly moving walk this weekend. Of course, spring had a lot to do with it, Bend is practically bursting at the seams with flowers and birds, and green everywhere….which is saying something for the desert. My walk helped to wipe the darkness from the corners of my mind. A darkness that was dragging me down to its sleepy hopelessness. (That reminds me of another movie: Legend, the 1985 version with a young Tom Cruise!) I took a walk and had some fantastic laughs with friends, and the world became whole and hopeful and wonderful again. Even if this is my last spring, this feeling is life, and I’m quite in love with it all. A walk is the engine for all the feels.

But thru-hiking, man, it just doesn’t get much better than that, and finding a good hiking partner that helps you see color is a real gift.

Check out this video I made of a short thru-hike of the Sunshine Coast Trail with Nemo back in 2018.

This sums up the feeling fairly well:

Will I carry a pack again in the wilderness? Will I be able to immerse myself in the far backcountry for weeks at a time? I don’t know, but I do know I have to make peace with this new body, or this new reality. And work? What the heck am I going to do if the focus of my business before was hiking a long trail to evaluate how to make it better, safer, easier for hikers to be successful? To make new trail resources and help a trail organization communicate with their hikers? Maybe I can help develop more hut-to-hut or bnb-to-bnb type trails in the US (Europe is spoiled for them) since those might be the only trails I can hike for a while. Maybe I’ll revamp the National Recreation Trails designation (something I’ve been wanting to do for years now! And a post for another day).

The news I got this week has helped fuel these thoughts. I know, I know, you will say I buried the lead, but I had my scans this week and met with my oncologist, and…it’s working! I’m officially in maintenance mode!! That means no more chemo for now. He said my body was chemo-d out…and man, do I feel it. I am still so tired. I have no appetite, I’m still losing weight and am quite nauseous, but the farther away I get from chemo, the more my body should find its equilibrium. The treatments have been working and he said I’m responding really well to the Tegresso and chemo…the combo helped to knock the tumors back a bit, and some of my brain ones are completely gone! I mean, I still have tumors, and might the rest of my life, but they are in check now. I’ll continue with the daily targeted med indefinitely and hope that I can regain my strength. This is a life-long disease, but I can see a life again. 

There were tears of happiness yesterday when I heard the news….I’m bursting with the news.

So, things are happening this May! I’ll be on the road a lot, and you might not hear from me for a while. I have some nature bathing to do, visiting family to do, and even a spot of vacation with Kirk…he has dealt with so much these past eight months. I hope you all have a Kirk in your lives who is there for you when something completely unexpected and wild is thrown at you like this was.

Don’t worry, I will still keep blogging…it’s my way of processing this whole thing, and has been the way I’ve been sharing my hikes with you for over 20 years now. You could fall down the rabbit hole of my hiking journals for weeks and months if you explore some of my past hikes in this blog. And there will be future hikes, I can just feel it. And I still have more I want to explore…more memories and past lives, it’s fun to rummage around in my youth to tease out the elements that have led me to where I am today. 

With that, my friends, remember that I’m having a big birthday party on June 7 in Corvallis. Please let me know if you want to come! Everyone is welcome.

Peace out, I’m going rafting! Or really, I’m going to sit on the raft very gently while Kirk rows, but I’ll take it!

Cancer Update April 24

10 years ago this month I started my thru-hike of the CDT. In other words, a lifetime ago.

I have some scans next week, the first scans since early February, right when my chemo started. 

To say I’m nervous would be downplaying the swing of emotions I’ve been experiencing. 

I go from: “I feel so much better, I bet this is all under control…the 27 brain tumors, the tumors on my ribs and neck and spine, oh yeah, and the one in my lung, they are all under control and I can go into maintenance mode starting next week without any further chemo or radiation. Wooo! I’m excited to find out!”

To: “My ribs still feel sore and so do my neck and shoulders, what if there are new tumors on my shoulders and the ones on my ribs grew. Oh, I’m going to be in chemo forever, I’m scared!”

There are so many things I’ve been waiting to plan until I get these scans—the next few months at the very least. Will I get to visit my parents and go on a vacation with Kirk? Will I have some time to breathe and get my energy back? Will my body recover enough for me to start doing some longer day hikes? Will I be able to spend big chunks of time outside camping and adventuring? 

Will I get to raft the John Day River?

I can’t do any of things things until I get these scans done and meet with my oncologist next week. 😬

Ahhhhhh!

But the good news? I didn’t get sick in Wisconsin…at least yet. The trails conference had about 800 people there from all parts of the country and internationally….and we didn’t even have our federal agency partners there (too much chaos…people have jobs, they don’t. They have a budget, but not for travel. Ooops they lost their jobs again. All of this is crippling the very people we need to take care of our public lands. 😭)

I wore a mask most of the time, but it is still wonderful that I came home without a sore throat or a cold. My immune system must still be putting up a good fight!

Melissa and I in Madison…I went to high school and college with Melissa, some great friends came up to visit me after the conference. And thanks Anne for the photo! There’s that almost normal feeling again!

Maintenance mode of cancer seems like a swan song to me. To go months between scans, months of living a life. But that is when I will need to be most diligent…to eat clean, to exercise, to be postive, to plan for the future. That is when I need to keep the cancer at bay…yet I know it’s not a reflection of my goodness, my ability to do the right thing to prevent the cancer from growing…but it does feel that way. I’m good if my cancer doesn’t grow. I’m bad if it does. It doesn’t work that way, does it?

Have you been following Suleika Jaouad? Ever since I read Between Two Kingdoms, I’ve been keeping tabs on her. She has a new book out and a big huge book tour, but her cancer came back right as she was getting ready for one of the most exciting times. It can happen to all of us at any time. It’s sobering and scary. BUT, check out her new book: The Book of Alchemy…my copy should be getting here any day.

The yard is exploding in flowers…and weeds. I’ve been wanting to try to weed, but getting on my knees and digging in the dirt seems like a challenging prospect. I talked to my PT about it yesterday, and she suggested small spurts of work… bite-sized chunks of yard work and gave me a few poses to try out to prevent immediate fatigue, and I’m still nervous about it. I am also interested in trying a gentle aerobics session in the pool at the senior center, but she also cautioned me that those seniors can be deceptively strong…and to try not to keep up with them. It’s just so crazy to me. A year ago I was so strong and fit…and now I need to be careful of my energy when weeding. It’s just not fair.

Kirk and I just finished watching the new TV show Dark Matter (I love Jennifer Connelly BTW, ever since I would binge watch Labyrinth as a kid, she has been one of my favorites…David Bowie too! I know all the lyrics to the songs in that movie. David Bowie…swooon) The premise is all about multiple universes…an infinite number of universes and for every decisions or inflection point in our lives, there is a spinnoff of another life lived by another version of you with different outcomes. (It’s like another TV show I liked, Fringe). And I think, there is another Renee out there who doesn’t have cancer. There is a Renee whose cancer is more advanced, who already didn’t make it, who found it early, who doesn’t even like to hike…It’s infinite and mind-bending to think about. But I can’t go there, I know I shouldn’t go there, to think about me in a different context…I mean, what does it help the reality of now? To think what if we had found it early, and I recovered without it haunting me the rest of my life? To think what if I never got it in the first place, and I was planning a thru-hike of the Theodore Solomons Trail this summer? Nope…not going there.

Instead, I think about what I might do if my scans next week go well. The trips I’ll take, the relief I’ll feel.

And I think about weeding.

Cancer Update April 9

My birthday last year…more explanation below…

I’ve had really good runs of sleep lately, and then there will be a night like tonight where I can’t get beyond the first few hours of good sleep (I can almost always fall asleep with ease, thankfully!) So here I am, before midnight! Gasp. And writing. I will most likely be up for a few hours and then will go back to bed, but I aim to enjoy these few hours, and what better way to honor the deep night than to write?

I had a successful chemo session yesterday! I was joking with my neighbor Jan across the street…we saw her and her husband Greg on their bikes just as we were getting home from my infusion.…joking that we celebrate being healthy enough to get poison injected into our veins. Totally ironic. Jan had her own brush with cancer a few years ago and is now living life to its fullest. Riding bikes to go get a burger for Greg’s birthday…they are both about 80! They go skiing, Greg makes rock art, Jan bikes to yoga, and they are both very civically involved. What good role models. 🙂 I’m so lucky to have so many people in my life who are busy living. Who spend every day (or almost every day) doing exactly what they want with the people they love. And yes, that involves those still working, too. I have always put emphasis on doing work that I believe in and that energizes me, and the end result of living in that manner is that I tend to surround myself with others living that way too. It’s a great gift. 

In fact, when I couldn’t sleep before getting up, I was listening to an On Being podcast on just that subject. Give it a listen: 

And I love that both the guests, Atul Gawande and Krista Tippit, gave a nod to Annie Dillard’s quote: “How you live your days is how you live your life.” You have probably read it before in my blog journals. It’s a question I have long kept at the center of my decision-making. I like to live as if each day would be full enough, joyful enough, rich enough to be my last. Before, it was never about death; it was about living a fun, fulfilling, inspired, adventurous life. I’ve had conversations with friends before when they were deliberating a heavy decision…I often say, “There are no bad decisions; some just may be more work than others.” I believe that. And also there is so much time! I look back at the 20-year-old me, and I’m so grateful that I threw my hat in with the peace corps. So many people put too much weight into the job decision right out of college; it seemed so critical that it will set the tone for the rest of your life, but in truth, there is so much time. I’ve had 20 different careers, and sure, now I can look back and draw the connective thread between them all (well, most of them, I still get hung up on the metal roofing gig!) and see how they all make sense. But at the time, they sure didn’t. It was following my curiosity and seeking to learn something from each experience. By taking on the position of student in my jobs, I was usually able to gain a skill that could be used later on, and then it often was easier to know when it was time to move on. Objective complete, next! What else is out there?

Of course, we are living in different times. Generations ago, people kept their jobs for their entire adult lives. Granted, they also had pensions and a social system and work culture that invested in them…we don’t have that now, and it’s much more accepted to hold many, many jobs….it’s now important to tell a good story about how and why you moved around so much.

Man, I’m still getting hung up on the whole short life span with a stage 4 diagnosis. I’m also still determined not to let that slow me down in the “maintenance phase” of life after chemo. I also realize that when I wrap up this first round, it might be the first of several chemo cycles, but hopefully, there will be long phases of maintenance in between where I can live a semi-normal life. It’s hard to fully conceptualize, though. I started seeing a new PT who specializes in oncology patients, and she was encouraging me to think of my daily energy battery as having a finite life. Even walking slower will help conserve the battery, so walk slower, strive to only have one doctor’s appointment a day….to be very conservative with my energy so I’m not totally toast at the end of the day. And I have been. I tend to live my best life before noon or early afternoon and then retire to the bedroom to nap and rest the remainder of the day. Can I get better about spreading my energy out? Will I have more energy when the chemo is done? I’m not working, but I am still chair of the Oregon Trails Coalition board (although I’m about to bring on a co-chair to help share the duties, which will be a huge help!), and I’m also volunteering to help support Oregon Desert Trail hikers. I have tended to ODT hikers for nine years, and I can’t stop now! At least while I have energy. Finiate energy. And then the books, reading the books you all have sent me. I try to make time for that! I just started Mike Beaty’s suggestion, Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earthsea series (thanks Mike, loving it so far!) and an advanced copy of a book that Snorkle sent about the queerness of nature (fasinating!) and have another on deck, Thirty Below, a story of the first all-women’s ascent of Denali that my friend Lori, or Shake N Bake sent me, AND I just got a volume of poetry in the mail yesterday by an unnamed gifter, Marge Piercy’s Made in Detroit. Thanks stranger!

So many books to read, so little time.

How do I want to spend my days? Reading! Walking, visiting with friends and family, spending time with Kirk, netflix and chill (with popcorn), and travel…and fortunately I do have travel on deck. I’m feeling pretty rich right now. Rich in life (not to be mistaken with money…)

I love the excitement of a trip coming up. I keep adding things to my packing list, things I want to bring to Madison, things that I want to do in Madison.

I’ll be seeing one of my childhood best friends, Jasmine. Our houses were within biking distance from each other in the countryside of Almond. I would bike her home, then she would bike me home, and I would bike her home and vice versa. We could spend whole afternoons doing that, making fun of our brothers who liked to bike in circles at the intersections of our roads “turkey vultures” we would cry out as we peddled past. When we weren’t biking back and forth we might be climbing trees, or making forts in the cornfield, exploring the woods behind her house or mine, or making up ice skating routines in the yard ice rink her dad would make with the garden hose when it was cold enough to keep for a while. AND Jasmine hiked the PCT a few years ago! Kirk and I drove out to meet her and her partner at an Oregon trailhead near Mt. Hood. I brought plenty of food and beer, of course, and we marveled that two of us from Almond, Wisconsin, were PCT hikers. Love it.

Then I’m going to see all the friends that are actually attending the conference, like Allgood (my birthday brother…he is a June ‘77 baby just like me, although I’m a few days older). He just got a job with the hiking app Far Out and will be attending on their behalf. Then there is Steph and Chelsea and Jodi, and probably plenty more from the Oregon Trails Coalition, and then there will be all the other folks I met at trail conferences over the past few years. Exciting!

Then I’ll cap off the week with a visit from some high school friends who are driving up from Central Illinois. We all graduated from Dunlap High in ‘95, and as luck would have it, they just came out to Bend last summer for my birthday! Kelly, Melissa, Celena and Hanna got to see Bend for the first time, and we’ll get to hang out again…quite a moving thing because we all lost Missy less than two years ago to lung cancer. We’ll miss Carrie, our other high school bud who is back in Bend (she moved here about 8 years ago), but I’m spoiled; I get to see Carrie all the time 🙂

Hanna, Carrie, Me, Melissa, Kelly & Hanna’s daughter Emma, Celena must have been taking the photo. We drove to Pilot Butte for sunset after a wonderful birthday dinner.

To explain the top photo a bit….we drove up to Elk Lake to have lunch that day when we pulled over for this photo opp with Mt. Bachelor. NEMO sent me a she-ra crown for my birthday, and Kirk gave me some loppers, so I had to carry both around and pose as much as possible 🙂

So again, how do I want to live my days? With friends! Doing fun things! 

The therapist I’ve been seeing even suggested to ask myself what this cancer year (years?) has allowed me to do, and if I’m honest, I’ve been able to refine my life down to the very essentials: spending time with people I love: Kirk, friends & family; reading; writing; and travel. And maybe it’s ok to be grateful? Oh man, that’s a hard one. To be grateful for the cancer while also fighting the cancer. It’s a complicated dynamic we have going on for sure.