I keep thinking I will see a clear path forward, but the horizon shimmers enough that the next step is obscured. This time my horizon was the other side of my first year in remission, but the CT scan I was supposed to have this afternoon has been pushed back another few weeks. Oh yeah, and we are going to do a bone scan too, because the PET scan wasn’t approved. That will happen around the end of the month.

I feel like I’m in the clear. I feel stronger lately; robust is how I’ve been describing it.

I’m sure the docs want to hedge their bets; how closely can they really be communicating all the time, anyway, huh? I mean, how often does my oncologist talk to my nateropath oncologists? Or my acupuncturist, massage therapist, physical therapist, pain specialist, neurosurgeon, second opinion neurosurgeon, neurologist, primary care doctor, pain psychologist, or osteopath talk to each other? I have standing appointments and/or relationships with all those practitioners… not to mention an odd session of free reiki that I get at the cancer center. Other semi-regular appointments include a trip to the gynecologist, feldenkris practitioner, and palliative care nurse…

I think it’s apparent by now that it’s my responsibility to let each doc I see know what the other one said…

But don’t forget to make that appointment. I have been notified that I need to switch from Summit to Saint Charles palliative care, and since I haven’t heard from them since my last appointment, I need to call them. It’s on me…

Oh, and schedule the brain MRI for November too. Get it scheduled when insurance approves it, but remember to call multiple times because no one lets you know insurance has approved it…

Oh, and get replacement air filters for the four air purifiers at home; the wildfire smoke has them clogged all up after the weeks of poison air, and I have lung cancer and all…

Yes I’m feeling better. Yes I started going to yoga again, Yes I’ve made a few fun trips this summer and have a few more coming up, but I feel like I’m sinking sometimes from the sheer effort of it all. Thank god I have a type A personality, what do those of you do who are on your own? I have a loving partner, an engaged and supporting mother, and many close friends who care about me deeply. I know how lucky I am, and even though I’m paying for some of these appointments out of pocket, wow, my insurance sure does cover a lot of it, and I’m so glad my landlords are caring and decent people who have provided an affordable place to live in Bend. I live a simply enough that I can stay here, as the town is quickly becoming a city before my eyes.

At yoga this week I was given the card “Voyage,” and it seems apt. Cancer is a journey. I haven’t survived cancer, I live with it. And we are coming to terms and the world still turns.