She-ra versus Cancer

Or is it She-ra learns to live with cancer?

*Yep, that shirt says “Nevertheless She Persisted”*

How can I explain that I feel reinvigorated to live, even though chemo has started again? Maybe I’m in that brief flush of time where the Zofran they pumped in my veins yesterday afternoon (an anti-nausea drug) before the poison (Pemetrexed) is still lingering on. Maybe it really will be as gentle of a chemo as they said (although the informational pamphlet they gave me on the drug certainly didn’t give that impression). Or maybe I welcome the change – that I’m entering of the next phase of this fight and after feeling so good on the Camino earlier this month WITH cancer growing inside my bones, I understand I can live GOOD today. I can enjoy the day. I CAN live with it.

Am I resigned to have this cancer companion on board forever now? Yes. I know that even if I go into remission again, its shadow will be at the edges of everything… lurking for its chance to take root when one small defense erodes again. So yes, I guess I am. That is what stage 4 cancer is all about after all. We don’t get to have a life without the haunting. So, why be haunted at all? It came back, and catching it early hasn’t been super harrowing….at least not yet, so let’s keep going.

There is a big difference this time though. This chemo regime is due to last the rest of my life. Yep, every three weeks as long as I’m alive, or it grows much bigger and we have to change medicines, or maybe goes away for a while? As much as the doctors do know and the science keeps advancing, each human body handles the poisons differently. Even though I know there are other young people in Central Oregon going through treatment, 94% of the time I’m the youngest in the waiting room. I look the healthiest. It’s a trip. I have that on my side…that once again I’m starting from a relatively healthy place going into this.

However, it’s clear that my miracle drug (Tagrisso) has faltered. That’s the daily pill I take at lunch to block the “grow” message to my cancer cells. Tagrisso is weakening (and that’s why some tumors are back) and unfortunately its the only thing available for people like me to keep the brain tumors from growing again, so the idea is that by adding the Pemetrexed back into the cycle, that the efficacy of the wonder drug can be extended…that is, until something changes, as stated above.

So is there uncertainty? Probably more than ever. Will I come out of this ok? That’s anyone’s guess, but I’m going to have as good of a time while I can, even with my doozy of a schedule over the next few weeks: a biopsy in my right hip to see if the mutation is a new one or the EGFR19 we already know; another brain MRI along with a meeting with the neurosurgeon, neurologist, and a sleep study to see if we can figure out why I’e been having daily morning headaches since June (hopefully not brain tumors…yet); and the usual bevy of appointments with my PT, acupuncturist, reiki practitioner, naturopath oncologist, massage therapist, and more.

At least I know I’m solidly back in the kingdom of the sick instead of the hazy in-between of remission, always looking over my shoulder. I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore. It’s right here, and we are dealing with it.

And here are a few photos from the week I spent in London with the fabulous Margo, Ali and Kate. I plan to write more about the Blue Earth Summit we all attended at some point…