thru-hiking – She-ra Hikes

*10 years ago this month I started my thru-hike of the CDT. In other words, a lifetime ago.*

I have some scans next week, the first scans since early February, right when my chemo started.

To say I’m nervous would be downplaying the swing of emotions I’ve been experiencing.

I go from: “I feel so much better, I bet this is all under control…the 27 brain tumors, the tumors on my ribs and neck and spine, oh yeah, and the one in my lung, they are all under control and I can go into maintenance mode starting next week without any further chemo or radiation. Wooo! I’m excited to find out!”

To: “My ribs still feel sore and so do my neck and shoulders, what if there are new tumors on my shoulders and the ones on my ribs grew. Oh, I’m going to be in chemo forever, I’m scared!”

There are so many things I’ve been waiting to plan until I get these scans—the next few months at the very least. Will I get to visit my parents and go on a vacation with Kirk? Will I have some time to breathe and get my energy back? Will my body recover enough for me to start doing some longer day hikes? Will I be able to spend big chunks of time outside camping and adventuring?

*Will I get to raft the John Day River?*

I can’t do any of things things until I get these scans done and meet with my oncologist next week. 😬

Ahhhhhh!

But the good news? I didn’t get sick in Wisconsin…at least yet. The trails conference had about 800 people there from all parts of the country and internationally….and we didn’t even have our federal agency partners there (too much chaos…people have jobs, they don’t. They have a budget, but not for travel. Ooops they lost their jobs again. All of this is crippling the very people we need to take care of our public lands. 😭)

I wore a mask most of the time, but it is still wonderful that I came home without a sore throat or a cold. My immune system must still be putting up a good fight!

*Melissa and I in Madison…I went to high school and college with Melissa, some great friends came up to visit me after the conference. And thanks Anne for the photo!* *There’s that almost normal feeling again!*

Maintenance mode of cancer seems like a swan song to me. To go months between scans, months of living a life. But that is when I will need to be most diligent…to eat clean, to exercise, to be postive, to plan for the future. That is when I need to keep the cancer at bay…yet I know it’s not a reflection of my goodness, my ability to do the right thing to prevent the cancer from growing…but it does feel that way. I’m good if my cancer doesn’t grow. I’m bad if it does. It doesn’t work that way, does it?

Have you been following Suleika Jaouad? Ever since I read Between Two Kingdoms, I’ve been keeping tabs on her. She has a new book out and a big huge book tour, but her cancer came back right as she was getting ready for one of the most exciting times. It can happen to all of us at any time. It’s sobering and scary. BUT, check out her new book: The Book of Alchemy…my copy should be getting here any day.

The yard is exploding in flowers…and weeds. I’ve been wanting to try to weed, but getting on my knees and digging in the dirt seems like a challenging prospect. I talked to my PT about it yesterday, and she suggested small spurts of work… bite-sized chunks of yard work and gave me a few poses to try out to prevent immediate fatigue, and I’m still nervous about it. I am also interested in trying a gentle aerobics session in the pool at the senior center, but she also cautioned me that those seniors can be deceptively strong…and to try not to keep up with them. It’s just so crazy to me. A year ago I was so strong and fit…and now I need to be careful of my energy when weeding. It’s just not fair.

Kirk and I just finished watching the new TV show Dark Matter (I love Jennifer Connelly BTW, ever since I would binge watch Labyrinth as a kid, she has been one of my favorites…David Bowie too! I know all the lyrics to the songs in that movie. David Bowie…swooon) The premise is all about multiple universes…an infinite number of universes and for every decisions or inflection point in our lives, there is a spinnoff of another life lived by another version of you with different outcomes. (It’s like another TV show I liked, Fringe). And I think, there is another Renee out there who doesn’t have cancer. There is a Renee whose cancer is more advanced, who already didn’t make it, who found it early, who doesn’t even like to hike…It’s infinite and mind-bending to think about. But I can’t go there, I know I shouldn’t go there, to think about me in a different context…I mean, what does it help the reality of now? To think what if we had found it early, and I recovered without it haunting me the rest of my life? To think what if I never got it in the first place, and I was planning a thru-hike of the Theodore Solomons Trail this summer? Nope…not going there.

Instead, I think about what I might do if my scans next week go well. The trips I’ll take, the relief I’ll feel.

And I think about weeding.

I first learned about long distance backpacking while living in my village of Zogore in Burkina Faso, West Africa as a Peace Corps Volunteer over a decade ago. When someone joins the Peace Corps and has to decide what to bring with them, books are high on the list. Surely there will be time to read the complete works of Shakespeare or War and Peace, right?

And it’s true, I read well over 200 books during the 2 years I was there, but the book that made the most impact was There are Mountains to Climb. Not for the prose, or riveting story line, but it was the first time I learned about a trail that crosses the country, and the people who set out to hike it in just a few months.

It was September, 1999, I had just arrived in the Burkina 3 months earlier, but I already knew what I was doing in 2 years when my service was over. Hiking the Appalachian Trail!

When I finally made it to the trail in 2002 I realized there were LOTS of similarities.

Here are my top 10 ways thru-hiking is like the Peace Corps:

1. You will be covered in dirt almost all the time.

2. You will think about food non-stop.

3. People think you are crazy.

4. You have changed way more in a short amount of time than your friends and family at home.

5. You curse the postal system.

6. You talk about poop a lot.

7. You get giardia.

8. You make deeper connections with people faster than you ever thought possible.

9. When you return people always ask about getting attacked by bears/lions, but the wildest thing you saw was a porcupine eating someone’s shoe/a chicken tied to a bicycle.

10. You will never be the same again.

So after I posted this fellow thru-hiker and Peace Corps Volunteer, Lisa, posted her list. Wow! She must have had a lot of time on her hands Thru-hiking will do that. Wait, so will Peace Corps.

More of the 1000 ways in which PCT hiking and Peace Corps are the EXACT SAME THING:
1. You meticulously plan your next town meal at least 4 days in advance.
2. Then you dream big about the first meal you’ll eat after finishing.
3. You look forward to maildrops and cry if they are late, particularly if they contain something delicious.
4. You lick the melted chocolate out of every wrapper crevasse, then suck on the inside corners for trace remnants.
5. If you’re vegetarian, you turn carnivorous after the second encounter with an outside barbeque and charred meat.
6. You wear one outfit every day until only bleached, soft shreds remain.
7. It’s bizarre to see your comrades in normal clothing.
8. You suffer from the half-way blues, daydreaming about the things you would do and eat if you went home now.
9. Intestinal parasites, diseases, and associated smells are the hot topic of conversation, especially during meals.
10. You are perpetually sweaty and dirty and the locals are clean.
11. Your toenails take on bizarre shapes and co-exist with semi-permanent layers of funk.
12. When you emerge into a new town, friendly and curious locals find you bizarre or interesting or exciting.
13. Kids stare at you and think you’re odd.
13. Random strangers invite you into their house to eat.
14. You consume things you would never touch under normal circumstances.
15. Kind tourists feel sorry for you and give you soda pop and toiletries.
16. The small pleasures in life are so wonderful and you are filled with gratitude.
17. You have too many ups and downs to count, but feel extremely lucky to be alive.
18. People think you’re crazy.
19. You start with a filter, then switch to bleach, then just drink the water straight.
20. You start with toilet paper, then switch to rocks and sticks, then switch to the water method. It’s just so refreshing.
21. You have weird-sounding nicknames and insert trail/local speech into your everyday language. e.g. “i didn’t mean to take a nero – it just happened” or “the prefect bouffed all the money”
22. You are elated when you spy edible fruit along your walk.
23. Ice is SO very exciting.
24. During siesta, you end up chasing the shade even though you tried yet again to strategically place yourself in the likeliest continual-shade-spot.
25. You become great friends with unusual and magical people.
26. You watch terrible TV programs whenever you have the opportunity.
27. You talk to yourself and practice rolling your r’s as you walk.
28. You give up on flossing.
146. You notice every phase of the moon.
147. You smell like mildew.
148. Your body loses the ability to digest dairy products in a smooth and elegant fashion.
149. You think you’re tan, then take a shower and realize that half of it’s dirt.
361. You finally come to the realization that your gastrointestinal issues are not just a “phase”.
362. Though you’ve never bought a copy of “People” and never will, you devour it at any free opportunity.
363. Local, tiny libraries are the best.
364. Ice cream is amazing, no matter how cold it is outside and how much it gives you the runs.
365. You either love or hate the postal service.
366. Large ungulates casually walk past your sleeping pad.
367. You hitch rides no matter how sketchy the driver or vehicle and sometimes sit with farm animals on your lap.