I’ve been out in the world for a couple of weeks now, and it’s funny how quickly I can revert my thinking and actions to those of pre-cancer me. Sure, I do feel fragile almost all the time, which tells me my complete lack of pain meds isn’t necessarily the way I want to go. When I do take meds, that’s when the illusion is almost complete. That’s when I don’t feel my neck and spine still adjusting to the titanium plate and additional collapsed vertebrae…at least I think that’s what I’m feeling? I won’t meet with the neck surgeon again for another month. I have questions for the surgeon: can I do yoga? can I put a pack on? I’m guessing from the way things are feeling that no. No, not yet. 

But yes, the farther away I get from my cancer nest (that is my adjustable bed and trusty cart filled with all the medications and books and diversions that I’ve been relying on these past five months), the more normal I feel. Friends and family tell me I look great. I’m up and about and going on raft trips and flying, but then I get tired walking up a hill and get dizzy when I stand up too fast. The illusion is thin.

I know I’m heading in the right direction though!

Five days of rafting on the John Day River was blissful. It was much colder that I expected, so I was almost always covered up. Immersing myself in the watery wisdom of Oregon’s longest undammed river was very soothing, even though I was quite limited in my time off the raft.

I returned from the river trip quite sore and worried that I had overdone it. The cot and thick paco pad I slept on helped me feel better during the trip, but I was still quite exposed to movements and actions that I hadn’t experienced in months. 

And then I’ve had to rearrange a lot of things so I could spend some time with family. Time that has been overdue for many reasons. I’m not going into much of the family dynamics now, but needless to say, I’m not the only one who has been going through a hard time this year. 

Today the rain is raining, the yard is bursting with the change of seasons, and I’m packing for yet another trip, this time a getaway with just Kirk. We didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary this February because, well, cancer, and the four months he took off of work to help me out were also work. We’ve both been through the ringer this year, and it’s time to relax and celebrate a little bit.

Oh yeah, the celebrating. I do feel like I’ve been celebrating since my last appointment where I got the good news that my cancer is retreating. I even had a small piece of cake this past week…I’ve been avoiding sugar like the plague for most of the year as it’s a wonderful food for those mutanous cancer cells to feast on, but I just wanted a little taste. I do want to rein things in after vacation (with an exception for my birthday party of course!) and trend back towards more of a vegan than vegetarian diet again and more towards whole foods than easy to grab snacks, but I’m also not beating myself up for the little treats I’ve had and will have for the next few weeks. I’m still in celebration mode!

So I’ll check in again in June. I have a whole slew of doctors appointments coming up then: palliative care, old oncologist, new oncologist, naturopath oncologist, radiation oncologist, lab work, MRI, spine surgeon, acupuncture, physical therapy, and a gynocological appointment (I’m STILL going through perimenopause through all this…hello hot flashes! They have been constant the past few months). 

Before I sign off today, I have a question for you. Some thoughts about trails have been percolating in my mind…things I want to look for and focus on in the near future….and maybe some of you can help. Does the US have any hut-to-hut or camino-type hikes? I ordered a hut-to-hut book for the States, but half the options are ski traverses, and most of the others are still carry-your-own-gear type of trips. If I can’t carry a pack for a while, where are my luggage transfer services? And if I can’t find these types of hikes, I should probably get busy putting some together. I bet some of the pieces are there, and it just might take a motivated hiker to put them together. 🙂